And waited…

“I’m really sorry”

That next hour or so was a difficult one, deciding whether to take medical management or just wait was awful. 

The expert advice was to go with medical management to help start the miscarriage, but I still had a conscience. I went over and over it in my head, how can I do that to our baby, even though the baby had died. It felt immoral the facts, our feelings, our religious beliefs, my personal opinion, it all mattered. I still felt like I would be murdering a child, our child. 

I went back the next day for a second scan to check it was all true and that there really wasn’t a heart beat because if I decided to take the pill it had be on the basis that there was no heaetbeat, no soul, no life.

I then got told at work I was likely to loose my Job, but I had a week off booked which was supposed to be a week in Greece, we decided not to go and deal with our loss.

I could leave it all to nature but then the consultant said there were risks for me with things like blood clots or take the pill and stay in hospital for observations. Still though taking that pill would be a big deal but we had to decide and I still wasn’t sure.
 

Image source: I. W. Gregorio

Getting back on track?

Lanzarote was a weather risk and everyone kept telling us it would be cold now so we did pack a jumper or two just incase but to be honest, we decided that getting away regardless of the weather was the main thing. 

That week in Lanzarote though, I kid you not, was the hottest they had had in a late November for years. We actually felt like we were being blessed with such a great place and the beach was absolutely awesome. We did nothing but chill and eat, haha! 

The bleeding actually stopped (finally) and I felt I was on the mend. The only physical reminder I had was my round belly.

When we got back to the UK it was cold and depressing, so that week in Lanzarote felt even more special and definitely aided in healing my body. 

I didn’t get any more bleeding after coming back and I went back to work the following day with a lot to catch up on. This was a positive as hitting the ground running helps keep your mind off of things. 

A follow up with the doctor gave me the all clear, they also said you can try again whenever you’re ready. On the other hand some say it’s best to wait a certain length to allow your body to heal fully. We decided to leave it and get on top of my health and nutrition and with that I started training at the gym. 

Christmas time came and went, me and hubby were definitely back in the fitness game, well hubby was always on it but I was taking smaller steps, so got in touch with my personal fitness trainer and got stuck right into it. 

At first it was really tough, I hate repetition so my personal trainer mixed it up with things I found more fun like boxing and made the session unpredictable. 

I was doing really well and a few months later hubby and I decided we could give it another go soon on the baby front. We had only just decided and puff! (…yep there was a wand involved, haha) I missed a period. We were expecting and decided to see how it goes before we broke the news. 

Soon though hubby felt comfortable with anouncing to the family about pregnancy but I really didn’t want to. We talked about it for days and eventually I thought ok it’s not long till the first scan so fine but still I wasnt 100% happy with it. why? I think for me I just wanted to get past the first scan and know things were ok this time. Everybody is different though you should go with what you feel is right. 

So the announcement was made and most people were happy and looking forward to the baby.  Hubby and I were grateful but remained grounded though as we knew any thing can happen.

Blimey though, news flew across the nation with what felt like wild fire and everybody knew in a matter of days, especially on a particular Sunday at the gurdwara. Everyone was waiting to meet the ‘head priest’ and it was seen as important to get their blessings. I respect this totally, still wasnt happy about it though. afterward the blessings though I felt something in my tummy whilst still getting congratulated by a load of people. Maybe it was an anxious feeling? Or butterflies? But it was more like a shortening/shrinking feeling, a bit strange. By then though everyone was leaving or having langhar, as we had already had some langhar we decided to head back home. 

Ok, people may have been excited or just wanted to spread the news but in no exaggeration it felt a bit over the top, for me anyway. I let it go though, because of course they didnt know about the first time. I focused on not stressing out and with that we booked to go to Greece as we would be in safe zone for traveling after the scan and it would be something nice to look forward to, especially the warm weather.

The cravings were out of this world and morning sicknes was horrible. I was feeling sick all day long as well as whilst I was sleeping, so ginger ale became my Saviour. Hubby would bring me dry crackers and tea first thing in morning, so I would have energy to actually get out of bed because literally I couldn’t move I was so stiff and nauseated. 

Being at work became very hard especially at lunch times with the smells, yuk! So I would go get some fresh air, have lots of snacks at hand.

The day of the scan came around. As we waited in the reception area, we talked about what happened before and what we went through. We quickly decided to stay positive and just see what happens.

We observed other parents in the room, you know people watching. Some avoiding any kind of eye contact with anyone, a few busy with older children, few looking around to ensure no one they knew was here (Yeah we did that too haha) and others smiling in a sort of commonality that we are all in the same boat right now, …and with that we were called for our turn, we got up and followed the midwife around the corner.

We went through the usual medical checks and got settled on the bed, which I find so unsettling because I didn’t want to lie down. I wanted to be sitting and feel purposeful and this felt the complete opposite and there was the fact that I would very likely fall sleep.

My tummy feeling cold with the ultrasound gel, we watched our baby on the screen and waited…

The first time…

Hey?! … Na, I’m probably just feeling hot so go back to sleep, no way am I getting up before the alarm goes off. 

I roll over in bed and can still feel strange and uncomfortable but I ignore it, it’s too early and I want to sleep, feel so tired but somethings not right and I feel damp and gooey down there. 

Ugh, fine I’ll go to the bathroom with my eyes closed so I can get back to sleep quickly after the loo. 

As I walk to closer to the bathroom I begin wake up more and realise, omg I started my period, it was Monday morning after a big family pre-wedding function and the last thing I felt like I needed was a period at work. Well I guess it wasn’t during the function but still, Meh.

I walked in to the bathroom and pulled my pyjamas down and What the f**k! it was like a mini massacre. What the hell, this is gunna be a heavy one I thought. So I took my pyjamas off and set them aside but as I sat down, immediately, I was wide awake it was red everywhere, blood was flowing out like a full running tap (or so it felt like). It was all so quick, as when I thought it had stopped it all started again and then I felt drained, tired and weak. My tummy was in pain and feeling numb. Hang on…

1 day earlier 

Have you eaten? 

Yeah just had some with the rest of the girls!

Oh good you look so much better now. The colour has returned to your face 

Oh ok!

Hey, what was wrong with the colour of my face I thought. I then realised I was actually feeling much better and the food had restored the energy I was obviously lacking. Maybe it’s just the period time thing and the whole event, with so much going on it can get draining. I hate periods, they’re so annoying!

My instinct told me straight away, I knew it. Theres no other explanantion…I’m a having a miscarriage.

I waited for things to calm down and sorted my self out and was about to go find hubby when there was a knock on the door…. 

That morning i rang in sick to work, I made an appointment to see the doctor and was also sent to the hospital for a scan and check up. They confirmed our thoughts but we were in great care and they were really supportive. 

We went to the Gurdwara and did our Ardaas. On the way out we bumped in to the Mahant (religious superior) who gave us words of wisdom and strengt, Which was nice because we hadn’t told anyone but there is no questioning someone like a Mahant they are just on another level and know what to say at the right time.

Hubby and I decided to keep this to ourselves for the time being for many reasons and it was a lot easier to deal with and move on. I miscarriaged for about 4 months, where I was in and out of hospital for checks and was always confirmed there was nothing wrong except my body clearing out so to speak and should calm down eventually. 

In the Indian culture when a woman gives birth or has a loss she usually has special foods made for her with lots of mmineral and nutrients dense properties for healing, usually called panjeeri, but as we hadn’t told anyone this would have been a little difficult to get made for me except a couple of weeks later my sister inlaw gave birth to her son and puff I had 2 box fulls dropped into my hands, to which I gladly accepted. 

A lot of people don’t like this stuff but I love nuts, oats and seeds. my tip is to add it on your cereal, breakfast oats or have it like muesli. It is ground for easy digestion post birth so maybe start off with 1 table spoon and build up slowly through out the day. it is really good for you and you can wash it down with your favourite hot drink. 

Another tip is that I get the ladies to make mine in to bar shapes just like oat bars and that makes it into a great treat and on the go snack. 

At around 3 months I realised I was experiencing physical trauma and after talking with hubby we decided to go on holiday. It was a different kind of holiday, as beach holidays isn’t what we would usually go for but this time it seemed really appealing. It was November time and Europe was obviously getting cold so we weren’t spoilt for choice but we were stressed out and needed both physical and mental RnR.

So off we went to Lanzarote…

Monday Memoirs

A quick update whilst I enjoy some quiet time with a bowl of icream.
I have been working on quite a few blogs in the past few weeks. They focus on bringing you guys all up to date with how things began on the children and pregnancy front as well as little snippets of my life before that and what I’m going through right now.

I’ll be sharing my memories on a Monday and as you’ve guessed it will be calling this series Monday Memoirs.

As I’m sure you can tell there is a lot to get blogged there and thank goodness for my pregnancy diaries that I have referred to a lot, which has actually been quite interesting to read back on. 

I have had to dig deep in sharing some of the topics and others, which I’m still thinking whether I should share. Ofcourse it will make great reading and is maybe controversial, I like to keep things in good hunour but some things will be a little serious because many British Indian ladies don’t talk about topics so openly but I remind myself that that was part of the reason why I began to blog so I’m working on getting it all down and out there for you guys. 

So if there is anything you guys want me to talk about and share drop me a message or an email. Maybe there’s something you have always wanted to know or wondered how I dealt with a certain situation. It could be a 1 word topic or a whole story. It may surprise you that I have no reservations and will actually talk about anything. 

After all it is only by talking and sharing that we can begin to work together for an even better future.

Look forward to hearing from you all. Now back to my ice cream nom nom..