It felt embarrassing, debilitating and painful

The day I found out I was pregnant I had a feeling it was going to be a rough ride, you know, sometimes you just know. In fact my discovery began with a tummy bug and continuous pain and the day after I did the pregnancy test my morning sickness went through the roof. It was awful and ginger was not having the same effect as it was the first time round and I couldn’t find anything that would calm it down but then the vommitting started and I was throwing up left right and centre.

It was a really hard job keeping it quiet from the family, taking the toddler to her grandparents was a challenge, because the vomiting was so unpredictable but I was hoping it would calm down in 2nd trimester and get some relief. Little did i know what was in store for me though, towards the end of the first trimester and right after the flu jab I got ill and ended up with a viral cough. The cough and vomitting got so bad that I had to sleep on the sofa sitting up, so that DaddySingh could get some sleep. We then swopped because I needed the bed.  Eventually though my husband couldn’t take it any more and came home one day with a blow up mattress and spent many days sleeping in the living room…as far away from the coughing as possible and I took the bed back and deservedly so!!  Although he did moan a few times about the interrupted sleep, to which I told him to grow up! Some of us have to function 24/7. Haha!

If all that wasn’t enough I discovered with all the coughing and vomitting I had managed to get an umbilical hernia and they couldn’t do anything about it, but still I was getting about and trying be a normal person. By normal I mean, trying not to give in to unpredictable hormones that were slowing taking over my brain and urging me to shout at everyone, No, im NOT alright! 

DaddySingh wasn’t sure how to deal with it, as he has never seen me like this and frankly neither have I. I’m a very chilled and laid back person, even at time of the month, yup, go figure!! So me turning into mad woman was an experience for all of us.

During the second trimester of my pregnancy I began to experience extreme pain in the groin area. I mean it was so bad that if I was sitting I couldn’t get up, the pain was excruciating and I would have tears running down my face. It’s like someone kicked you between the legs a hundred times and then you needed the loo.  Once I was finally up I was stuck, I knew any movement with difficulty would bring on that unbearable pain but I would push through to get to wherever I needed to and that was the problem getting to the loo when I needed to wee. The pain was so debilitating I just couldn’t get to the loo on time and that meant my pelvic floor muscles were seriously weak.

It felt embarrassing, debilitating and painful as I was physically and for the first time emotionally stressed. This was the trimester my hormonal moods began to fluctuate to extremes. It felt like no one really understood what I was going through and I guess they didn’t and could only empathise to a certain degree.

The best advice I had was to make sure you do your pelvic floor muscles exercises, rest and get as much help as you can where you need it. The exercises are the most important thing here!! And I can’t stress that enough.

The 2 things I found hard to deal with were firstly obviously the physical debilitating pain I was going through, which was on top of this mysterious viral infection I had that insisted on giving me that continuous cough. I can’t even explain what it was like …but it would build up and up and eventually I would be throwing up pretty violently and it felt quit scary with my stomach contracting that hard, whilst I was carrying a baby.

Doing the exercises helped and the pain did subside but for only 2 weeks in those two weeks the coughing and vomiting continued but after the two weeks the pain returned with more vengeance. I couldn’t believe it, I literally couldn’t get out of bed it took me ages. It was horrible and I never felt so low in my whole life.

That was the second most difficult thing to deal with the emotional roller coaster. I had never been so emotionally vulnerable, even my husband in the 14 yrs of being together for the first time was unsure how to react and he didn’t know how to deal with his unpredictably emotional wife but decided to stay out of my way when things were up in the air. On 2 occasions I completely lost it. Yep 2 occasions, you might think that’s not a big deal but for anyone that knows me I am extremely calm, laid back and happy person so loosing it must have been an experience to see and it certainly was for me. My husband still hasn’t verbally expressed his opinion on that one. I think I might ask him again on that one, see if he is willing to express his opinion, I mean I am my normal self now, haha. I’ll let you know what he says. I mean I’m not saying I’ve never been angry but I have never been angry in an emotional, debilitatingly and pregnant all at the same time way and I was definitely not one to flip out.

Many women go through this and most would agree that, how spd effects you and the experience of it can vary. Some end up in wheel chair, I was on crutches by 7 months and was told the wheel chair would be next but I refused that. That was personal to me I had the inability to accept being told to just sit and not move around. I and my body wanted to be physically active and I would do it in anyway I could. Some one said to me don’t be so proud, as to say you need to accept it. Well no, I’m not being proud I’m fighting all these emotions and physical feelings and trying to be mum to my toddler at the same time so if being in a wheel chair isn’t going work and I can avoid it, I will. I guess I still had strength in me somewhere…

I was also wearing a fabric brace, it was tight and it held me in like it was preventing my bones from falling apart, that’s how painful it was, the baby was also quit heavy by 8 months and I knew she would be a big size for me. That didn’t help my emotional state, the fact that I had spd pain on top of knowing or kinda remembering labour pain from the first time and then the thought of delivering a bigger baby.

It was weird I felt like I was over taken by a host (in a way that is true, you do have another person inside you but by saying host I’m not referring to the baby as such, just so you know) that was dictating havoc on my body. My body was telling me I had a foreign intruder inside of me and my immune system was all over the place but I knew this was all so that I could have a beautiful baby at the end of it and that was what mattered the most but the biggest problem was getting there, that was the longest and toughest journey of my life. What was even worse for me is that I couldnt do my Paat (prayers) or even get to the gurdwara. I think I truly was at my lowest ever and this period was a true physical challenge and the pregnancy truly tested my mental strength. Eventually when I did make it to the gurdwara I was lucky enough to do Bhai Ji’s darshan and they gave me a source of confidence and that stuck with me and helped through the rest of the journey.

Not having the right person to talk to made it really hard at times. My husband was and is fantastic with our toddler and he is the best and first person I would go to for almost everything, but I don’t know it’s a male thing I think, they just sometimes don’t get it.  I think sometimes you just have to moan to a friend and for some reason my emotional reasoning told me I couldn’t do that with my friends, my closest mate doesn’t have children so couldn’t really fully understand just yet and my other closest mate I had just recently lost contact with for whatever reason (learning curve, never make decisions when you are hormonally compromised) and so felt at a complete loss. Pregnancy really is weird for me and my sense of rationalising was strange, it felt strange even at the time is was doing it…you know my host was thinking for me, hehe.
It really didn’t feel like me at all. My pregnant self would be all emotional and my normal self would be there going ‘wtf are you on about, calm down!’ All at the same time, and I seemed to be swearing a lot. Weird stuff.

Finally I ended up moving and staying with my In-laws a monthish before my due date so that My mother In-law could help look after my toddler and be around if I needed anything. It was a great help but was also hard being away from my own home comforts.

A third thing was that I felt so guilty my then 1 and half yr old daughter had to watch through all this and even though she is so young she was the best support and source of encouragement I had. She saw me coughing, frustrated, unable to play with her, vomitting on a daily basis, unable to move and cry and all through this she would actually put a hand of support to me and say you’re ok mummy, don’t worry! A little bit more so in toddler language but I was able to understand what she was saying to me. Although i was there I felt like I missed seeing her grow up and failed her in those 9 months of my pregnancy because I couldn’t give her the attention that I had done for a year and a half and would have done if I wasn’t going through what I was, basically if I was having a “blooming, glowing pregnancy” things would have been a lot different. Obviously she did fine and proved she was a strong kid by always being happy and full of energy during those tough times.

I do believe I had to go through this pain and suffering to receive a beautiful gift and that pain and suffering was my own karam (karma) to deal with and I had to go through that for whatever reason, but I just want to share with you my experience of pregnancy and that it’s not all glowing skin and beautiful moments in a field full of daisy flowers for some mums. So if your having a wonderful pregnancy that is absolutely fantastic and I hope you continue to do so and if it’s not so great, hang in there momma! Also to the random woman who told me that pregnancy is a wonderful experience and couldn’t understand why I didn’t necessarily agree, be grateful as not all of us have the privilege of enjoying our pregnancies.  A little empathy goes a long way.