The hospital part

I needed the loo so casually began to get out of bed, but suddenly I could feel a strange sensation, it was everywhere. There was pressure pushing downwards and my sides were squeezing in towards the belly button.

As I landed on the loo in so much pain, I felt nauseous, my body was contracting and there was blood, lots of blood. I swung for a bag and vomited, it was so intense i remember involuntarily crying, due to the pain and physical shock. 

My body was shivering, I felt faint and weak with all that blood loss but then it all started again, the vomiting and the contractions, how many times would this happen?

…eventually after waiting for some time just to be sure, I decided to have a shower to help me relax and go back to sleep.

I went to hospital that morning, by the afternoon after several checks I was in a room and was explained the rest of the process. 

Through out the whole night I was awoken by a nurse to take a bunch of pills and have my observations done. Every loo trip had to be assessed so that meant going on one of those bed pans.

As I went passed the room next to me I saw the lady, clearly further along in her pregnancy I couldn’t help but feel worse for her.

Not because my loss was any less but as pregnancy continues the bank of memories, ideas, emotions build up and so we end up dealing if more and more layers of grief attached to those images and feelings. 

By no means does that suggest a measure on ones grief, everyone’s feelings are valid and you have a right to go through them. Its just felt like that with me in that moment, because regardless of what I’m going through I always hear a voice saying ‘it could be a lot worse, be grateful for what you have got’

DaddySingh slept on the recliner seat right next to me and he was ace. Definitely uncomfortable in that chair but he was there throughout. Although I moan at him for being moody (hehehe) I did feel and am grateful for how supportive and understanding he was then and still is. Especially whilst dealing with his own feeling, afterall he lost a baby too. 

After a long wait to be discharged, going home was a relief. 

Well, Kind of.

15 moments of a British Indian mum…Part 1

Things that remind me that im a British Indian mummy…

  1. You get a stain on your salwar kameez (indian suit) before you have even left the house. Could be turmeric, could be tomatoe sauce but your creative dupputa (scarf) settings skills kick in and just pray no one notices.  
  2. You think twice before you put your red lipstick on when going out with your kids. Lip lock, you failed me and cracked up my lips! 
  3. You finally get to the venue and feel like you need a shower and start again but your kids look all polished, shiney and oh so sweet and innocent. Why why why meee!
  4. The state of your chunni makes you look like you really haven’t got a clue what your doing. Then that maaji shouts out don’t you know how to set your dupputa? Is she (so and so’s) daughter in law? A range of profanity hits your mind but like a pro, just act cool and say hanji! 
  5. You get to the gurdwara/venue and your children want prashaad/food immediately! Like they never get fed at home. 
  6. Your little one will only eat dhaal, yoghurt, roti and rice or a combination of these. Where ever u go. 
  7. There’s something wrong with the dhaal. It’s not the right dhaal, maybe it smells different or isn’t yellow enough?! Who knows but they are not going to eat it because you know it’s not the ‘dhaal dhaal’…
  8. Your little one doesn’t eat roti. What’s roti? Ah did you mean a rosti? 
  9. You consider letting your child go hungry, they cant keep doing this, they have to eat at some point, maybe they’ll give up and eat soon…and then maaji shouts out all the wrong alternatives and yup, out comes the back up food…chips! Noooo, oh forget it just eat!
  10. Your daughters salwar/trousers keep falling and suddenly the floor is being swept clean. Who needs a broom!
  11. You have only been at the function 10 minutes and your little boys joori/hair is all over the place. Didn’t you combe his hair?
  12. Head scarf/Chunni is a toy and not to cover your head with. ok, maybe just for the first 5 minutes, then we will swing it around! You now feel judged and that maaji makes you feel like an irresponsible mum. 
  13. Maaji (with good intentions) comes to your aid as a magic pacifier and gets offended when fails because your child really doesn’t know them and isn’t listening to anyone no matter who you are, especially random Maaji. Maaji is surprised and walks away muttering but you know she’ll come back for another go, and maybe even pull out a lollipop.

Have you experienced any of these or do you have your own moments that remind you of being mummy in around an Indian culture? 

Disclaimer. Honestly I have nothing against Maaji’s and no Maaji was hurt in the events of these experiences. That I know of…

Part 2 coming soon

I lost a day today

So most of this morning I was thinking it’s still Friday! That is until hubby pointed out that it’s Saturday and I had to check my phone to reestablish reality, I lost a day and it’s New Years Eve. 

That felt annoying, but also a welcoming thought of positive new adventures and creations.

Thank you all for following me and my Journey so far in my life and being so supportive and encouraging.

I hope you continue to enjoy my blog and new adventures into the new year and beyond.

Have an epic new year!

Medical Management or not? 

My soul felt heavy as we discussed the process of medical management and the option of just leaving everything to happen by itself.  I felt like I was about commit a sin, something that I would never have even dreamt of doing, even though I knew I wasn’t killing anyone, the baby had passed on and that Is what we needed to remember. 

Yes my baby’s Soul had passed on and now I needed to physically recover but that didn’t make it any easier. I was a mother talking about our baby still inside me and I still had to go through a load of shit.

We decided it was best to cancel our holiday to Greece, because of not knowing how and when the miscarriage would begin. I’m sure people go through this in Greece but did I really want to be sitting in a hospital whilst on holiday? Hmm I don’t know, but I felt more comfortable knowing my surroundings I guess. 

I didn’t tell work about it, my colleagues asked about greece and I said due to a loss in the family we had to cancel the trip, which was a vague fact, so I didnt lie just didnt specify the detail of the loss. Why? I just didn’t feel comfortable telling them, plus the fact that I pretty much knew I was about to lose my job, I kind of realised I actually should have left a long time ago, so maybe the universe was kicking my ass out of the door for me. 

​Eventually though, I took that pill. I felt like I was being watched and judged by a thousand eyes.  The Doctors explained very clearly what to expect in the next 24 hrs, so I was aware of what to expect but of course I didn’t know how and when.

That evening I went to bed wondering what exactly was about to happen…

The Missing BBC series 2

The Missing BBC series 2

If you haven’t been watching, why the hell not? where have you been? 

With the penultimate episode just aired this evening, with yet another amazing cliffhanger. The missing Series 2 has to be the best I have seen in a long time. excellent writing and fantastic cast. 

I think a lot of fans would agree that you almost feel like booking tickets to Switzerland to rescue those girls and give Baptiste a hug, bless him. 

Does anyone else think Lena Garber is in the basement? or maybe she was the one burning in the shed? 

Can’t wait for the final episode, next Wednesday at 9pm on BBC One. 

And waited…

And waited…

“I’m really sorry”

That next hour or so was a difficult one, deciding whether to take medical management or just wait was awful. 

The expert advice was to go with medical management to help start the miscarriage, but I still had a conscience. I went over and over it in my head, how can I do that to our baby, even though the baby had died. It felt immoral the facts, our feelings, our religious beliefs, my personal opinion, it all mattered. I still felt like I would be murdering a child, our child. 

I went back the next day for a second scan to check it was all true and that there really wasn’t a heart beat because if I decided to take the pill it had be on the basis that there was no heaetbeat, no soul, no life.

I then got told at work I was likely to loose my Job, but I had a week off booked which was supposed to be a week in Greece, we decided not to go and deal with our loss.

I could leave it all to nature but then the consultant said there were risks for me with things like blood clots or take the pill and stay in hospital for observations. Still though taking that pill would be a big deal but we had to decide and I still wasn’t sure.
 

Image source: I. W. Gregorio