The hospital part

I needed the loo so casually began to get out of bed, but suddenly I could feel a strange sensation, it was everywhere. There was pressure pushing downwards and my sides were squeezing in towards the belly button.

As I landed on the loo in so much pain, I felt nauseous, my body was contracting and there was blood, lots of blood. I swung for a bag and vomited, it was so intense i remember involuntarily crying, due to the pain and physical shock. 

My body was shivering, I felt faint and weak with all that blood loss but then it all started again, the vomiting and the contractions, how many times would this happen?

…eventually after waiting for some time just to be sure, I decided to have a shower to help me relax and go back to sleep.

I went to hospital that morning, by the afternoon after several checks I was in a room and was explained the rest of the process. 

Through out the whole night I was awoken by a nurse to take a bunch of pills and have my observations done. Every loo trip had to be assessed so that meant going on one of those bed pans.

As I went passed the room next to me I saw the lady, clearly further along in her pregnancy I couldn’t help but feel worse for her.

Not because my loss was any less but as pregnancy continues the bank of memories, ideas, emotions build up and so we end up dealing if more and more layers of grief attached to those images and feelings. 

By no means does that suggest a measure on ones grief, everyone’s feelings are valid and you have a right to go through them. It just felt like that with me in that moment, because regardless of what I’m going through I always hear a voice saying ‘it could be a lot worse, be grateful for what you have got’

DaddySingh slept on the recliner seat right next to me and he was ace. He was definitely uncomfortable in that chair, but he was there throughout the night. Although I moan at him for being moody (hehehe) I did feel and still am grateful for how supportive and understanding he was then and still is. Especially whilst dealing with his own feeling, after all he lost a baby too. 

After a long wait to be discharged, going home was a relief. 

Well, Kind of.