My soul felt heavy as we discussed the process of medical management and the option of just leaving everything to happen by itself. I felt like I was about commit a sin, something that I would never have even dreamt of doing, even though I knew I wasn’t killing anyone, the baby had passed on and that Is what we needed to remember.
Yes my baby’s Soul had passed on and now I needed to physically recover but that didn’t make it any easier. I was a mother talking about our baby still inside me and I still had to go through a load of shit.
We decided it was best to cancel our holiday to Greece, because of not knowing how and when the miscarriage would begin. I’m sure people go through this in Greece but did I really want to be sitting in a hospital whilst on holiday? Hmm I don’t know, but I felt more comfortable knowing my surroundings I guess.
I didn’t tell work about it, my colleagues asked about greece and I said due to a loss in the family we had to cancel the trip, which was a vague fact, so I didnt lie just didnt specify the detail of the loss. Why? I just didn’t feel comfortable telling them, plus the fact that I pretty much knew I was about to lose my job, I kind of realised I actually should have left a long time ago, so maybe the universe was kicking my ass out of the door for me.
Eventually though, I took that pill. I felt like I was being watched and judged by a thousand eyes. The Doctors explained very clearly what to expect in the next 24 hrs, so I was aware of what to expect but of course I didn’t know how and when.
That evening I went to bed wondering what exactly was about to happen…